hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
