Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
