I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
as a side note pls kill me
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
