Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
