Only a mothe r could love this liver
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
