I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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