I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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