Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
