so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
ttyl tear gas
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
