I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
