I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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