Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
