I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
