I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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