Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
