I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
