I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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