Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
