So drunk, too bad you don't want this
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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