Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
