If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
only you would photoshop your dick
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
