What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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