I wanna passion pit in your ass
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
