Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
