If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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