So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
