$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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