what day is it and did you see me today?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
