Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
