he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
