Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Oh god it's open bar.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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