I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
