Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
