Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
