Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
