I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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