Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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