Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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