I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
