I can text with my tongue
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
