I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
