i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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