my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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