i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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