it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
This toilet bowl is my home.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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