An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
my liver is dry heaving
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
