we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
