"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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