Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
