nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
