Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
