then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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