Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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